Author: emstarrsmith

Habits. Thoughts. Ideas. Perception. Subconsciously, we “know” things. A set of rules, a culturally accepted behavior, a way of doing things. We’ve learned them all from someone along the way.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday that was speaking to how we define financial security, how we identify with the term “work”, being paid, and putting in the time. It was one of those “aha” moments where I was smacked with something that was so obvious – that my perspective about work, how it is done, what it means at the very core is so deeply rooted in what I saw growing up in my parents’ careers. Work meant constantly being available, it meant doing work that wasn’t always recognized but you showed up regardless and did your damn best even when no one was looking. You had a personal standard that you set and that was the bar. Financials revolved around the paycheck hitting on the same day each week; work was tied to a time clock, a schedule, a boss to dictate what you did during your days – or, you just did your work even without having someone dictate what you did on a daily basis because you knew your job inside and out.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of the above, but holy shit, that describes me, my work ethic, and my career now to a damn T. And it triggered me to start thinking about other areas in my life that I carry preconditioned notions, without thinking much about them.

We have so many preconceived impressions, ideas and subconscious beliefs about the way things need to be. Not just tied to work and careers, but money, family, raising children.

I’m going to work on unlearning a few things this year. I’m going to start asking why. I want the fundamental reasons of why I am doing what I am doing speak to my reasons, not a predefined subconscious reason, especially in the areas that matter.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I’m unlearning my drinking habits. I’m also working on unlearning what I believe our evening schedules need to look like, my physical fitness identity as I have previously defined it, and generally just deconstructing the things I do out of rote habit that aren’t serving me any real purpose.

What areas of your life could you benefit from unlearning in?

I was talking with a friend today and we happened to get on the topic of mind maps. She was curious as to what I was referring to; I dug into my notebooks so that I could share with her, and decided to share it with you all as well. This particular page was a notable step in getting to this point, where I’m sharing my thoughts on a platform like this one.

This 1-year vision map was created while I was reading Pivot by Jenny Blake, and it wasn’t the only type of mapping that was discussed – there is a mapping based on values that I found interesting as well, but I digress. This was helpful specifically in its vagueness, in starting to pinpoint the areas that were truly important to me at the time – goals, ideas, feelings, thoughts, searching for the pieces that really stuck out, that I could lean into and grow upon.

Before committing pen to paper, I was still working on trying to discover what exactly I was passionate about, those things that I enjoyed doing for myself that I might be able to evolve in outside of my husband and my children and their respective hobbies. Before this particular exercise, writing wasn’t something that I did. It was something that I used to enjoy, a long time ago, but it found its way onto this mind map, and an idea took root.

It’s funny how that can happen; you can have a real appetite for something and yet can completely forget about it when you envelope yourself in the “busyness” of life, having a career and raising a family. Others’ priorities become your own, and that’s alright, so long as there is a piece still left for you.

Knitting is on here. Twice, actually. I have always wanted to learn to knit, and the idea behind that lies in the Christmas stockings that my grandmother has made for each member of our family – what an amazing piece of the heart to pass along. My desire to learn how to knit was rooted in my desire to create something meaningful.

It’s all about the process, and finding what sparks joy, what sparks passion, what is instinctively you. What innately calls you back time and time again, what you think about while you’re driving or in the shower, what you spend your energy on that doesn’t feel like a labor, what you anticipate and look forward to. What you make time for.

I know a woman who started a business with her passion for knitting – she’s damn good at it too, so I’ll just leave that to her. We don’t all want the same thing; our mind maps would all look very different side by side.

I need to update my Mind Map for 2018. Writing will be on it, in a much more meaningful way, but perhaps I’ll discover something new in the smaller details as well.

I’m going for full transparency this week and I have to admit, I have some reservations about opening up on this topic but I’m going to take a deep breath and share.  There’s power in sharing the hard things (or at least that’s what I’m telling myself).

Dry January posts have been mixed in with my daily news feed since the 1st, the topic of several podcasts I have perused through, and it’s been top of my mind for awhile now.

I joined a sober/semi-sober private Facebook group last week.

Sober. Semi-sober. Not drinking.

Who the hell would want to do that?

That’s what I used to think.

I started cutting down on drinking a few months ago.  I have been conscious of the absence of alcohol in my life every day that I haven’t consumed any since then.

I never really had a reason to look too deeply at my relationship with alcohol; drinking is something that is deeply woven into the culture of my family and my community.

I have an addictive personality, and I’ve used alcohol as a medication for many years; to treat stress, to dull the feeling of self-consciousness at social events, to help with coping, to soothe loneliness and unhappiness.

It’s not just my crutch during the low points, however.  Every celebration calls for a few glasses of wine or a 4-pack of double IPA.  The best days on the lake, my favorite place to be, always involve summery cocktails.  “It’s a marathon not a sprint.”

Drinking has become a widely celebrated ritual for women, and for moms; a badge that we earn at the end of a long day, whether it be at work, or a day at home with the kids, we deserve that damn glass of wine, that vodka soda, that gin and tonic, that beer, and however many follow afterwards.

A few months ago, I was at an NHL hockey game in Montreal.  It was my youngest daughter’s first NHL experience. My husband and I celebrated that with a few rounds. I lost count of how many.

I got sick.  Really, really sick. I spent the majority of that night in our hotel bathroom.  I couldn’t function the next morning. I ruined our plans to have breakfast out in the city.  My daughter, age three at the time, wasn’t really aware that her day had been altered in any way, but I was so extremely disappointed in myself.

Since that night, I’ve been focusing on being conscious of my consumption. What I found wasn’t pretty.  I was drinking every day. I was getting home at the end of the day and simply cracking a beer or pouring a glass of wine out of habit.  And I never stopped at one.

I haven’t quit drinking, but I have realized that it was affecting me – it was hurting me – every single day.  The mornings that I hated to get out of bed, the sloggy feeling I attributed to just not being a morning person, the lack of energy, the lack of clarity.

I still have an affinity for booze.  I have to make a conscious effort to not open the fridge when I get home every day.  I’m not necessarily looking to give up drinking, but am  focusing on curbing my daily consumption and gaining control.

Every morning that I wake up with a clear head and the ability to roll out of bed easily is a day that further enforces my resolve.  I have been nailing my water intake goals.  I look forward to sipping my warm turmeric milk with honey and cinnamon at night.  I’m loving the effect on my overall health, well-being and wallet.

Cheers, from my steaming mug.

2018. A New Year. What does that mean for you?  Last year was probably the first time that it meant much of anything to me.

Discovering that I didn’t have much in the way of direction, hobbies, dreams or goals when 2017 came around was disconcerting.  It was as though I had been underwater for some time and was just resurfacing – and in a way I had. I had become very, very good at making sure that everyone else’s needs were met.  I had just gotten through one of the more challenging seasons of motherhood, the season where each new stage is something new and different, where the demands are ever-evolving and it feels as though you are constantly working to meet the new dynamics that a newborn-turned-infant-turned-toddler brings to the table. My role as a mother was constantly being recreated and that, justifiably, took as much energy and creativity as I could muster.

In December 2016, looking forward into 2017, I found myself on the precipice of my youngest transitioning from toddler to preschooler, and I was met with a strong feeling of lack.

“What I discovered…was that I harbored a mix of discontentment, frustration, dissatisfaction; I felt unfulfilled in an area that I couldn’t quite pinpoint.”

Not that my marriage was failing to fill any void, not that raising and connecting with my three daughters didn’t still have demands, not that being a wife and a mother was not rewarding, not that my relationships and my career didn’t still take up the majority of my time and emotional energy, but lack on a very personal level.  I couldn’t quite have told you who I was, or what I wanted, outside of those roles.  Outside of those roles, I didn’t quite exist.

I spent some time in 2017 working through all of this. Now, I’m ready to move on to purposefully planning, focusing on and building who I want to be.

My inbox, social feeds, podcasts and conversations have been inundated with discussions about the New Year.  Through the myriad of messages, sales pitches and memes, one really hit me – instead of focusing on what I want to do in the New Year, why not focus on how I want to feel?

Perhaps this resonates because listing out the many things I hope to accomplish in 2018 feels overwhelming.  Another list of To Dos isn’t necessarily aspirational. The question of how I want to feel, however…there is something there. Because doesn’t having goals really mean that you’re chasing the feeling that attaining those goals will give you?

I want to feel (in no particular order):

Energetic, joyful, present, calm, growth, optimistic, grateful, creative, fulfilled, accomplished, successful, strong, confident, worthy, compassionate, loving (and loved), connected (to the things and people that matter), disconnected (from the things that don’t), committed, comfortable, cozy, nourished, joyful, inspired, challenged (in a positive way), knowledgeable, prepared, abundant, secure.

And hydrated. I would like to feel more hydrated in 2018.

By focusing on how I want to feel, my action items then become “How can I feel more insert-your-word-here?”  They aren’t limited to just one action, to one goal; they can cross into every facet of my life.

If I want to feel these things, there are steps I will need to take to get there, but I gain much more buy-in if the end result is any one of the feelings above, versus a check-box on yet another checklist of things that I need to accomplish.

Here it is. The last Tuesday of 2017.

Next week, we’ll be two days into a new year.

I’m not one for making resolutions, however the New Year can be an impetus of change.

This week I’m working towards completing my 2018 portion of the YearCompass. I’m a bit hung up on picking a word to symbolize and define the year ahead. The word I would look at if I need extra energy, to remember to not give up on the goals I am setting forth in these pages now. The word that encompasses how I want to feel this year, the kind of experiences I want to have. A word that is a commitment to positive change and growth.

A word is defined as a “single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing.”

A distinct meaningful element.

If you had one word to describe 2017 for you, what would it be?

What would that word be if you were thinking about 2018? What can you do today to ensure you are on track with all of its possible meanings in every area of your life, starting as early as next week?

 

I’m forging ahead as if today is Tuesday. We’ve had two nights of back to back holiday concerts, lingering but thankfully temporary illnesses, work commitments and project deadlines. Coupled with last minute Christmas shopping and hours of cutting, taping and wrapping, I felt completely OK letting go of my Tuesday posting habit last night, but only for a day.

The 2018 Year Compass launched two weeks ago. I started working on the first portion of the workbook last week, reflecting on 2017 (you can, and should, download a copy here).

Last year, I remember being a bit fixated on the reflection piece of the workbook. I wanted to understand how, in an entire year, I hadn’t personally accomplished – outside of raising my daughters and all that goes along with being a mother and wife –  something substantial, something tangible, something of value. Something for myself. The honest answer was that I simply hadn’t been intentional on making it happen.

This year, I’m almost dismissive of 2017; I’ll complete that section, because I believe there are important pieces in the review, in the questions asked in it. I’m not, however, lingering on what I didn’t do or spending an unnecessary amount of time looking back; I’m anticipating looking forward at what more I can make happen. I know that I started in a much different place, and the fact that I simply decided to start really is enough. This might only be due to the simple fact that now I know I can.

I’m more interested in focusing on creating bigger intentions for 2018. The word “goals” keeps popping up, but that word feels too limiting, too finite. I’m not referring to New Year’s resolutions that I want to attain and be done with; I want to create sustainability in growth. As a mother, I am constantly recreating and redefining what that means. Each day, each stage, each child requires something different from me. I’m determined not to limit those spaces of growth only to the roles that I have, but to the woman that I am at the heart of everything that I am to everyone else.

Think about the next 365 days. Think about what it could mean for you to build off of the momentum that you can create. Just one idea, one spark. Envision where you could be a year from now, where you would want to be a year from now.

Think about the things that you would do today, tomorrow, next week if you had no fear, no resistance, no hesitation, no time to plan or procrastinate.

And go do them.

Envision all of the versions of you that you wish you could be.

And go be them.

 

 

 

A friend who is working late this evening shared over this message from her tea; I found it to be a perfectly timed reminder for me.

I have been focusing on a few phrases to get me through the times when I am not in the mindset that I want to be; where I might not feel as energetic, calm, composed, level-headed or open-minded as I am striving, in my more intentional moments, to be.

If you had suggested taking up a mantra practice to me a few years ago I would have likely laughed, and certainly would not have taken you seriously.  I used to associate mantras with meditation, and although I enjoy listening to the Headspace and Calm apps once in awhile, I haven’t yet been able to get on any sort of meditating level.

I was introduced to a different form of mantra and affirmation practice through Cara Alwill Leyba (author, life-coach, blogger, podcaster); in this powerful post, she explains how she uses mantras and affirmations.  I was inspired to create my own variation of her practice after reading.

Rather than dwelling on challenge, on stress, on lack, on guilt, on weakness, on the negative, certain phrases have helped me get to a better mental place, not just in the moment but overall, with almost any situation I find myself in.  They make me more aware, and remind me to be intentional.  As Cara mentions in her blog, it helps to remove the power and energy from whatever thing or person that is driving imbalance and gives it back to you.  The phrases that I try to use daily are:

“I am not available for struggle.”

“What is meant for me will not pass me by.”

“When I take care of myself, everyone around me benefits.”

“The way that I speak to my children will become their inner voice.”

Tonight, I’m adding that message I received by way of my friend’s teacup to my list, this one specifically for when I need a more positive direction in where my conversations are going.

Do you have an affirmation or mantra practice?  I’d love to add a few more to my arsenal.

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P.S. An easy way to find Cara’s mantras and affirmations is on Instagram; she’s @thechampagnediet if you’re interested.

The past few weeks have been nothing short of sheer chaos and disruption.  We sold our house, packed up our belongings, stored a large majority of them, and temporarily moved in with my parents (every 34-year-old, married-with-children mother’s dream).  I came down with the flu while packing over the last weekend before our closing, and I’m still not quite sure where half of my clothing or any of my jewelry is.

The next few weeks will likely be more of the same. Holiday parties, school concerts, family commitments; coupled with the demands of a career in the ski industry, I am feeling some strain.  OK – a huge amount.

I’ve decided I’m going to give myself permission to lower the bar.

This December, I am going to resign to the fact that if I can meet myself half-way, I will consider it a win.

I’m going to focus on activities, rituals and habits that fundamentally make me feel the best, those things that give me energy and put me in the best headspace. I’m going to allow myself to accept that these things might not necessarily line up with the expectations of others.

I’m going to place emphasis on experiences, and being a part of those experiences rather than just creating them. I’m going to commit to those activities and traditions that mean the most to myself and my family, and decline anything that doesn’t align with those priorities. I’m going to do so without guilt.

What level do you hold yourself accountable to, and for what? Why?

Better yet, for who?

 

I have written fourteen blog posts since launching this site.  Fourteen.  Not such a large number, but significant in ways that count.

For fourteen consecutive weeks, I have put my thoughts out in this space for anyone to read, absorb, retain, reject, agree with, or challenge.

For fourteen consecutive weeks, I have shared pieces of my story and created connections.  I have had conversations that stemmed from what is posted in these pages that were meaningful and relevant.

For fourteen consecutive weeks, and perhaps one of the most significant pieces for me, right up there with connecting meaningfully with others, I have sat down, written, and hit Publish.  I have had weeks where I could have said “I don’t have enough time.”  I have had weeks where I was traveling, where I was tired, where I didn’t feel well.  Weeks where there was probably something a bit “more important” that needed doing.  And of course there was the self-doubt; that what I had to say was small, was unimportant, was unoriginal.  But there was something bigger than all of that.

I found a spark in writing the words that became posts, in the posts that became content, in sharing.  I am passionate about writing, about communicating with those who take the time to read what I post, about connecting with each of you in the comments and in passing.  I am passionate about creating something that adds value.

When you find your “thing”, chances are it won’t feel like the rest of the “things”; activities, expectations and commitments that you’re trying to force, another check mark on the To Do list for the day.  I could have easily shrugged off writing tonight; I have two more sleeps in this home that, come Monday, will no longer be ours, I am surrounded by belongings packed up in boxes, I have more belongings that have not yet found their way into boxes, piles of laundry to wash, more piles of paperwork to sort and file, two kids who are down and out with the stomach bug, work emails that are waiting to be answered…but yet it didn’t cross my mind to not write, to not hit Publish, to not remain consistent.

What can you create that makes you feel this way?

 

I spent the morning sifting through my family’s belongings (and rifling through our pantry).  Walking from room to room, picking up this thing or that, filtering back through the memories of photos, recalling who may have gifted us what and when – beautiful wooden cutting boards, baskets, serving ware, platters, a punch bowl.  We own things I had forgotten we had; I became blind to items that existed in my environment day-to-day.  Tabasco, for instance.  No one in my family uses it, yet a bottle sat front and center in the spice cabinet for who knows how long.

I was happy to have a few hours to myself this morning to do this; it’ll likely be the last time in this house that I get to wander around and look at everything on my own time.

Our house, which has been for sale, is under contract; our closing date is looming and we’re in the process of moving most of our belongings into a storage unit.  We’re going to be bunking with my parents for a few months while the girls finish out the school year and we begin the process of hunting for the perfect new home (a few of you have already mentioned your anticipation of the posts that are likely to come from what promises to be a comedic adventure – at my expense).  We’re in prime whittling mode.

The amount of belongings – and expired spices – that we can accumulate in each phase of our lives is overwhelming and, ironically, little humans compound this tenfold.

As a general rule, I enjoy getting rid of “stuff”; this move has given me the ability to offload quite a number of under utilized, no longer necessary or just general in-need-of-disposing items (expired Parsley, for instance).  As addicted as I have become to purging, I am stuck on a few things.  I have very few pieces of artwork saved from the girls’ younger years (I can hear the audible gasps of some of you from here), but I do have every doctor’s visit weight and height slip, every report card, every skating badge, every winter’s season pass, every end of ski season instructor report.  They’re all tucked away in a filing cabinet – sure to never see the light of day again.  Pockets – black holes really – of accumulation.  If I were the scrapbooking type I’d have a place for every stray piece, however I gave that up within the first year of my 13-year-old’s existence.

I’m curious – what do you keep, and what do you discard?  How do you store those things you choose to hang on to?